The reason why we get upset with other people is usually because we have a "manual" for them that they aren't following.
Just like an instructional manual that comes with a new product...
we have unspoken manuals for other people.
The manuals are like instructional guides for how we want others to act so we can be happy.
Most of the time we don't even realize we have them, but they cause us so much unnecessary pain. We think the other person should just "know."
Manuals are disempowering because:
1. We can't control other people.
2. It puts our happiness in the hands of someone else.
3. It sets up both people to fail because happiness is an inside job, and no one else can make us happy.
4. No one ever follows them right. (Especially when we've never verbalized them.)
5. When someone is does something they don't want to do, it usually feels bad for the controller and the person being controlled.
The easiest way to improve any relationship is to
PUT. DOWN. THE. MANUAL.
Drop it. Stop referring to it. It doesn't serve you.
It's not fun being in a relationship with someone who wants the other person to be different.
Let people be who they are, and let yourself be who you are.
When two people have full permission to be who they truly are, that's a lot of fun.
There is no resentment where manuals do not exist.
You know you have a manual any time you think someone should do something that they aren't, or shouldn't do something that they are doing.
This is often what the "manual instructions" sounds like:
She should call/text me back.
She should invite me when she has parties.
She shouldn't be eating that.
He should remember my birthday.
He should support me.
He should make more money.
People should follow the rules.
People should be nice and polite.
How do we know that all these beliefs are causing us pain?
Because people are doing these things.
Us thinking it should be different means we're fighting with reality.
We always lose when we fight with reality.
We win when we open up to what is.
Requests
You can absolutely make requests!
As long as you're not dependent on their "yes" to make you happy, it's totally fine!
Ask away.
Quick Takeaways:
-"SHOULD" is the keyword to look out for.
-Other people's behavior NEVER causes our emotions.
-Requests are great as long as you are not dependent on their "yes" to feel happy.
-Dropping the instruction manual allows both of you to be who you truly are. (That's a party).
-Dropping the manual allows for freedom and genuine connection with each other.
(Wondering about boundaries? Stay tuned for next week's blog!
P.S. This concept is slightly different for parents/child expectations and boss/employee relationships.)
Have a manual that you don't know how to put down?
I can help you.
Schedule a free consult call to see how coaching works for you.
“Coaching came into existence to fill an unmet need, which coincided with the shift away from a model of psychological illness, and toward the humanistic ideal of wellness. And growth.” -Vikki Brock
Have a beautiful weekend.
All my best,
Holly
